One of the biggest reasons I haven’t started this blog before (even though some pieces have been written for nearly two years) is that I’m not “there” yet. Wherever “there” is. I’m still in the midst of the “mess,” still learning and growing, sometimes struggling and occasionally having crises of faith. While most of the labels that were once put on my brain are no longer relevant, I’m not always happy and sunny.
In 2010, I had a profound satori, and that profoundly changed my life. But unlike Eckhart Tolle’s awakening or Byron Katie’s, it wasn’t a permanent shift.
As work has fallen away over the past two years, and I’ve again experienced externals that are different from those I’ve been accustomed to for decades, I have relied on a toolkit I developed over the past four years. Most of the time, there is inner peace. Always there is gratitude (always). The smallest things bring me a subtle joy – the feel of cedar bark under my palm, the fragrance of the forest after the rain. When I’m in an aligned place, I feel incredible peace and even a subtle joy, and I know it radiates to others. People tell me they feel calmer just being around me. But I’m not there all the time.
That Maslow guy had a point
Abraham Maslow was right: It’s very, very difficult to focus on self-actualization when one’s survival needs are challenged. I’m talking food and shelter (I’m fortunate, in this moment, to have safety and health, as well as plentiful fresh air and water). So sometimes I plummet, and I just can’t find my way. I feel gratitude and panic.
So yeah, I’m not there yet.
The thing is, based on my image of pure enlightenment, it’s quite possible I’ll never get to a point where I think I’m ready to share my story. And if I keep waiting, I’m just putting off what I want to be doing. I’m going to be growing the rest of my life, and there will always be another “there.” Besides which, one of the main points of this blog is to focus on the moment. So why not write from where I am, just as I am?
I’m far from “there.” I don’t have the answers (whatever The Answers are). What I do have is a unique journey that I hope can inspire others.
UPDATE 2021: There is no “there” to reach. See Why I Stopped Searching for Enlightenment.
Image credit: Heidi Fin via Unsplash
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